Why so quiet, Tom?

imaginary reader: Why so quiet, tricks of memory?
tom: Sod off.
imaginary reader (henceforth known as 'im): well, I never!
'im (which might be short for 'Tim'): now, now
tom: shut up.
tim (apparently a cockney): now just you look 'ere
tom: nope. won't. sod the fuck off.
tim (suddenly channelling my lovely friend Elke) : it's mercury, mercury in RETROGRADE.
tom: I like you better this way.
tim (still channelling Elke): of course you do. Now, sweetie, don't fret. It's ALL OVER.
tom: will if I want to.
tim : suit yourself.