An awful conversation.

More on the same theme as yesterday.

Some of our friends in Bugsplat don't like each other. It's our birthday soon and we've been planning a celebration (brunch) at Castenada's. Zil and Lilly don't feel able to go to our brunch and Lilly was okay about it - we agreed we'll have fun together some other time but Zil rang us up in distress and angry that we'd invited her. It brought up her past and reminded her of her childhood when she had to pretend all was okay when it wasn't.

It was an awful conversation and we feel covered in slime.

Trouble is very clear, to me and was clear to Zil, that it is not okay for Zil to blame us for ~inviting her~ and that it is Zil's responsibility to take care of her boundaries and not to expect us to anticipate her needs. I really like Trouble. I like Zil too, and I wanted to be kind. It was just horrible. My hands shook and my heart was aching but as well as feeling a great deal of sadness for Zil and Zil's misery I understood Trouble's fierce boundaries about this situation. I agree with Trouble. It really is not okay for Zil to do that. It's a hideous self-sabotage, a pattern she creates with the many friends she has fallen out with - she sets up these situations - creates a trespass, an occasion for outrage and for feeling betrayed. To relive old pain and old betrayals.

Always easy to see in others.

And there you are, reading this, knowing ten things about me that I would never guess; seeing me with ruthless clarity. Be kind, I plead. Is it all we can ask of each other? To be kind with your easy understanding. Let my faults be revealed to me by my own gaze.

just jo, mostly