This isn't finished; I've just run out of time.
Zil came for a cup of tea this morning and Trouble wouldn't budge. And fair enough too. Zil has been told. Trouble was tired. Pretending to be Calypso or Just Jo is hard work and Trouble shouldn't have to do it. So.
The psychic pressure to please though... to soften the voice, to smile, to behave a particular (soft, feminine) way rather than to be who Trouble really is. And perhaps Zil doesn't realise it but she's very demanding of a certain behaviour from us. She demands reassurance. This demand is made by expression (not always verbal) of her anxiety. Reassurance is something that I am naturally very good at, but it doesn't come easily to Trouble.
I (just jo) get irritated with the people who are drawn to us (presumably, by us) sometimes. I mean, what the fuck is the point of going to all the effort to let someone know, all that trust, all that truth, all that explaining - if they don't actually ~learn~ anything from it. It's annoying too that I must feed these expectations somehow - me, francesca, hannah, shell - people who are softly spoken, gentle, subtle rather than clear, frank and direct.
We've been through this with other people too. And others of us (Angelata, Francis) have also had to endure it. It's so unfair that Trouble's mere presence becomes the cause of such manipulative anxiety and projection. Sometimes I can feel very cynical about some of the people who are drawn to us. So I suppose while unpleasant this experience is useful and I do appreciate more keenly how she is known here, online, by many people - and she has genuine connections with people here - for example she knows that hyjinx really ~likes~ Trouble for who s/he is and that's been good for her.
This isn't finished, I've just run out of time.
The psychic pressure to please though... to soften the voice, to smile, to behave a particular (soft, feminine) way rather than to be who Trouble really is. And perhaps Zil doesn't realise it but she's very demanding of a certain behaviour from us. She demands reassurance. This demand is made by expression (not always verbal) of her anxiety. Reassurance is something that I am naturally very good at, but it doesn't come easily to Trouble.
I (just jo) get irritated with the people who are drawn to us (presumably, by us) sometimes. I mean, what the fuck is the point of going to all the effort to let someone know, all that trust, all that truth, all that explaining - if they don't actually ~learn~ anything from it. It's annoying too that I must feed these expectations somehow - me, francesca, hannah, shell - people who are softly spoken, gentle, subtle rather than clear, frank and direct.
We've been through this with other people too. And others of us (Angelata, Francis) have also had to endure it. It's so unfair that Trouble's mere presence becomes the cause of such manipulative anxiety and projection. Sometimes I can feel very cynical about some of the people who are drawn to us. So I suppose while unpleasant this experience is useful and I do appreciate more keenly how she is known here, online, by many people - and she has genuine connections with people here - for example she knows that hyjinx really ~likes~ Trouble for who s/he is and that's been good for her.
This isn't finished, I've just run out of time.
posted by Polysemous at 12:11 PM
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